My Wildcard!

One of my biggest problems in understanding existentialism comes from the fact that I have never witnessed one and don’t understand what it would take to be one. It seems the society doesn’t really have much room for such a type of person. If someone wanted to be truly existentialist he or she would have to fully digest the repercussions and still want to do it, and that takes balls. I don’t think I have the guts. The reason I am at school or writing this blog post is because it was assigned to me. Moreover, it seems that my whole future has been decided for me, in the sense that I am going to go to a college and then some profession. But what if my existentialistic feelings said otherwise? If this was the case is it not safe to say that society would just say no and alter my “dreams” and “desires”? I wonder what I would be doing right now if there was no school and society was like, go out and explore and find what you like, and in a few years, I am going to ask you what you want to do. If you do not answer in 1 minute, okay, spend another five years searching and answer. The question is asked again later and the response would be as quick as a bullet and then I would go and do that and live in utter happiness. I wonder what that answer would be. I wonder why when asked what I want to do with my life I respond within 1 minute: doctor. I don’t really though. Not so much at least. I look forward to trying some other things in college. I bet you billions of dollars that in my English class in college I will be writing “Oh well, I will have time to try some things after I have completed my few years…” And thus, the trend is born and immutable. Its also important to note that the fact that I am talking about how I am not existentialist doesn’t make me more intelligent or anything. It makes me even more “trapped.” My “problem” is right before my eyes, but it’s all good. It probably isn’t. I don’t know if I have ever seen someone who is actually existentialist. And I wonder if I did what would I think about them. I would probably ostracize them and call them weird and be happy I’m not like them. I should feel envy though I reckon. There was an interesting character in my life recently, and I will name him Buddy. So Buddy was a pretty nice guy, but in reality he was messed up. He skipped school often and was into some weird things. In short, he was different from all of us, and this went all the way up to the way he thought. As cliché as it sounded, he didn’t fall society’s rules, and I somewhat looked down on him for it. Is it natural that we look down on those that we should strive to become? In “The Stranger” the initial reaction to the protagonist is that he is a pretty bad person. After understanding why he does what he does, I realize that I want to be like him. I wish I could and I wonder how much work it is to become that. The pity is that, in reality, no matter the size or amount of work necessary, no matter how small, I probably would have the gall to do it when the time comes. That’s all good though I guess. I think I am a pretty nice guy. We will find out if society begins to hate me and I begin to live life the way it should be a bit latter.